Maybe I am Broken and Unlovable

I am dating a man that even though it is early, I can see a future with.  He is a man any woman would be blessed to call hers, but he has chosen me. Yesterday, I almost walked away. Why would I walk away from a man who makes me weak in the knees, and whom says the unspoken words of my heart is the question.  It is I that feels unworthy on every front.

It was easier in my 20’s.  I was the good girl everyone wanted to take home to mom and to marry.  I had a strong moral compass–one that I still maintain.  I am far from perfect and I haven’t always trusted my instincts, but a person who has been in my life since early August as a friend until recently, has caused me to take pause.  I don’t feel like I can give him what he is wanting, yet he still wants to figure it out.  You see, there is nothing easy about being widowed at 55.5 especially for a military widow.

Until I dated this man–and we are no where near thinking long term forever tonight–I was content with thinking I would probably never want to share a house with another person again and I truly never wanted to consider marriage before this person.  What makes this person different?  Why does it seem so impossible IF and ONLY IF we grow to this point?

His words echoed my unspoken words (to him).  He doesn’t date just to date.  He wants to be married again, to share his life again, and he has that same strong moral compass that I have.  Therein lies my problem and why I almost bolted yesterday.  I can see more with this guy.  More than I am ready to ponder and further than we are, but if not this guy, a man like this one in terms of character.  I am the flawed one.

As a military widow 4.5 years from sixty and being able to retire and take Phil’s social security, I would have to give that up.  Those are the years I intended on being grandma and the mom I want to be to my five adult children and my bonus children/grandchildren.  If I were to remarry legally through the state, I would forfeit Phil’s social security, survivor monthly benefit, and medical insurance.  I would have to work until I was 70 and I would have the problem of obtaining medical insurance for a preexisting medical condition.  It is a terrible, terrible place to be.

While I had previously considered a church union, would it be enough for one whose faith is as strong as mine?  Is it fair?  I am not a tartlet and even considering kissing another person is a gift I give.  When that other person feels the same, where is the line?  How does one navigate?

It isn’t about the money per se, but retirement is drawing near.  I have no problem sharing my house, my pay check, my benefits–truly, but how does one consider meshing a home, children who may or may not want another person in their parent’s life, insurance, houses, faith, and that moral compass?  I almost bolted because I am the problem.  It was his strong arms and the whispered reassurance that made me falter.  I am scared of this one, scared because I am having to confront a man that I respect, value, and can see his heart.  Maybe we will grow and perhaps we won’t.  Even if we don’t, this is a person I want in my life because he makes me a better person.  He makes me remember the qualities I respect, admire, and want.

If I were younger, I would have time to start over financially with another.  I would have time to figure out the career path and retirement.  I spent my entire adult life following Phil all over the world.  My career was him and our five children because I never could get established anywhere else.  It seems damn unfair that I have to forfeit everything at this age and after having been married as long as I was.  It is more than money; I wouldn’t have time to be healthy enough not to worry about medical insurance. I shouldn’t have to figure this out.  I don’t want to figure this out.

Comments

  1. John Kosobucki says:

    Linda, find your love wherever God leads you.

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