I Need You Tonight

Dear Philsie D.D.”s

 

You know it is bad if I am using that name.  It is.  I am scared.  Really scared.  I am standing here where everyone thinks I am strong and unbreakable.  I am shaking.  While I know that I have never been more successful workwise and I feel a fire that only a few understand, I am unsure of me.  I get that people see my worth with your story.  It isn’t even my story.  It is the story of the man who strutted into the MHAFB swimming pool in a blue hammock swimming suit.  It is the story of the man who saw beneath that hard cold exterior of one said lifeguard who didn’t want anything to do with him.  It is the story of a man who died a hero.  I am just the mouth piece.  The invisible mouth piece.

 

I am moving to a state to take a job that I know is the right job.  I have never lived there or done that job.  While once I was the queen of making moving fun, I am not any more.  You see, I could be the strong one when I knew I had you to lean on and you that believed in me.  Now, I am scared.  Really scared.  I am afraid of getting there and not having any friends.  I am afraid of driving across the country.  I am afraid of not having anyone to share any of the adventure with.  What if I get it wrong?  What if I am moving to this beautiful house and everyone sees me as invisible?  What if I let people down?

 

Lately, I have felt like less than nothing.  The skills that you valued are hopelessly outdated.  I am loyal and I made a good wife and mother.  I withstood so many storms.  I am tired, Phil.  When is okay for me to drop my sword and crumple to the ground for a little while?  I try so hard to be the woman that you saw and that you believed in.  I try with every breath to be the woman that God is calling me to be, but I am weary.  I am battered.  I want to lean for awhile.  I want someone to bring me a Starbucks coffee, a Sante Fe sandwhich (no mayo, lots of extra jalepeno peppers), and fruit tort from Whole Foods.  Mostly, I want someone to wrap their arms around me and say, “I believe in you.  Just breathe.  I have you tonight.  Rest.”   I know that I only needed that a handful of times in the 23.5 years we had, but Phil, I need a soft place to lean.  I need someone to believe in me.  Someone who is team Linda.

 

You knew I would get here.  Damn you for that.  I felt you and Klepto as I ran sobbing through Alaska.  My heart was imploding and I recognized something that broke my heart.  I knew you had me, but Phils, I need more than a memory to lean on, to stay warm with.  You made me laugh as you chased me all over the house using your ten languages.  You made me soft when you waved the white hankie when you messed up.  You made me believe when you called me your little bride after so many years.  You made me see when you still looked at me like I was all of that.  You gave me dreams when you encouraged me to run all over the place and to go to school.  You gave me a sense of home with your friendship and the man you were.  My anchor is gone.  I am afraid.

 

I am scared of getting it wrong.  I fall so often and the big crash recently caused me to question my running, my writing, my friendships, and my ability to have anything more than a job.  That is what scares me the very most.  If work is my life, then what if I get that wrong too?  Please send me a sign.  Show me that you are still Team Linda.  You were wrong about the Chapter 2.  I can’t because I don’t have the skills or the confidence to try.  I need some friends, a church family, a running group, and  to feel confidence at my new job and at my new house.  I would like to believe that you and God have this.  I know—God has it, but Phil, I need my cheerleader, my rock, my soft place.

 

I miss you so much recently.  All I want to do is lean in and hear what you think.  I want to see your eyes and feel your hand in mine.  I want you to tell me what you think and lead me to what next.  I am tired…..

 

Loved you then, love you now, love you forever,

Linda Lou Lou’s’

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