Godwinks and Trusting

On 24 June 2011, I received my biggest Godwink and promise ever. I was broken and I couldn’t see the way out. This was six weeks after Phil had died. That Godwink cannot be explained. I have written about that moment in both my book and on here long ago. Even in my storm right now, I recognize something. It is coming. It is going to happen. As my path is diverging and changes are coming, I wait in hopeful anticipation for that promise, too. For those of you that do not remember or who have not heard the story:

On 24 June 2011, I received Phil’s autopsy photos and report. When the report did not match what the AF had told me, I looked at the pictures. While I can handle pictures like this, I couldn’t push past the agony of seeing my Phil’s body broken beyond repair. He had been shot too many times to count. I broke. I crawled under the covers of my bed and wept from the depths of my soul. While I did not have a death wish, I cried out to Jesus, “Why my Phil? Why not me?” He was such a good man and he touched so many people. I was the quiet invisible girl. As I wept from the darkness of my soul, I felt a zap like an electric jolt. At the same time, an image flashed across my soul, my brain, I can’t explain it. I saw myself standing with a man in front of an altar. I could see the joy. I could feel the joy. I denied what was happening and wept on.

When the jolt happened again, it was stronger and the image even more real. It terrified me. I jumped up and tripped in the blankets of my bed. As I looked up from the floor, I saw the first complete double rainbow I had ever see to date framing my beloved mountain. I knew then that I would somehow one day find love again. While I have made it very difficult on God because I have been so closed off, I did eventually let another person in. I even learned to love that person.

That relationship was not meant to be. Not every relationship leads to marriage. Faith is very important to me. While this man and I will fight to stay friends, and while my heart is broken, I recognize that what is coming one day is going to make this seem like a speed bump. It is easy to lose sight of what lies ahead, but I believe in that promise with every breath I take. My burning bush was 24 June 2011 and God is more than faithful–even now.

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