I Am a Crybaby and I Need to Change

I cried a lot the past few days and it wasn’t over my feelings of missing my Phils. While that missing Phil and the life we shared will never go away, I cried for something else. I wept because I simply am so broken that I can live in my world of insecurity, neediness, and ignorance. I recognize a brokenness that can destroy something I hold so dear. I have never been the needy one in relationships and I hate myself for being her now. Where I once stood confident to the point that I hurt many people in my dating life, I am not her any more.

I am a fragile shell at times of the vivacious quiet girl I used to be. Sure, I can socialize and sure, I am a better person than  I once was, but I wonder if I should wave awhile flag and not even try. My worry is that my need for reassurance makes me unlovable. Throw in a story and a journey lived publicly and larger than life. It makes me recognize the gift of people in my life, but I am the problem because something inside of me shattered five years ago. While I have come so far, I never thought that I would date again. I never thought I would care again or care so deeply. The problem with caring and loving again is that I have to figure this out. I recognize my behaviors and I want to change. I really do. The tears came because I am so bad at this now and because I never want to hurt anyone else in the process.

 

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