Some People

Sometimes people say things that take my breath away. This morning, two students from my resiliency teaching assistant class the past three days came to see me. One girl has been married for a while and she told me how lucky I was to be able to travel where I want and to have the money to do it. She went on to say that it must be nice not to have to answer to anyone and to be able to go out with my friends whenever I want. The other girl piped in and said that it must be exciting to dating new people again. Really? In what world?
I became a widow with no warning and no time to say goodbye. I had never considered a future that didn’t entail growing old with Phil. Through the good times and through the not so good times, we stood as one together. I never considered other people in my marriage and I struggle with trying to figure it out now. I wasn’t good at the social cues of dating when I was young and single and being old and single is even more difficult. I don’t play games mostly because I know how short life can be and I am just not interested in playing the games. That doesn’t equate well in the dating world.
Options? Exciting? Really? If that is what a married person wants, then why be married? My personal favorites are the married men who think that they are somehow doing me a favor. Like I told the one girl, if you are that unhappy in your marriage, get out. Don’t do it the wrong way. Having sex with someone that is not your spouse is not going to help your marriage. It does not make you a better person. So many people have told me that their spouse doesn’t understand. Seriously? That works? Not in my world. Get out if you are unhappy, but the I have needs, you have needs line doesn’t work on me. Take care of it yourself, but don’t ask me to participate in cheapening something that means something to me.
To the girl who thought it must be nice to have money to travel and do what I want—nobody wants it the way I got it and I would give it all up in a heartbeat and live in the broken down trailer on the way to Pueblo eating rice and beans forever for Phil not have died the way he did at barely 44. Think it is fun to travel everywhere alone? Think it is fun to come home to an empty house every day? Think it is fun to talk to four walls days in and day out? Hmmm. Money is nice to pay bills. I run and I travel a lot—true. It has been my way back into happiness and stepping forward. I feel like a vagabond with no place to call home. I miss the hanging out, the laughter, the friendship. I miss knowing that someone was always in my corner.
Lucky? Oh, no, not lucky. I am just trying to figure it out. I am thankful for the traveling and the running because it gives me grounding and it gives me joy. Running has given me other unexpected gifts, too, but make no mistake, this isn’t lucky….it is just learning to live again.

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