Maybe, Just Maybe

Maybe, Just Maybe

Another widow did this recently as she asked whether she was ready for a chapter two—the final chapter. Her response was, “Maybe.” Maybe is my word. While I know that I protest often and I have my own mother convinced that the word is never (and it might be a never), the honest answer is there is a chance, and more than that, a hope, that one day, some day, there will be someone who I can love well and who will love me well. I am not confident that my life, my loss, my fire, or my interests will mesh with another just as I wonder if my life is too much for another. I think my list is probably not a reality, but I discovered many years ago that I would rather be lonely alone than lonely with another person. I want the chapter two to be as much as my chapter one was in that we would be better together than apart. If, and that is one mighty word, I find love again, the love would be different from what I shared with Phil and it would not compete with or eclipse what I had with Phil. The relationship would just be unique and it would be with the Linda I am now. Phil got my youth and middle age. If there is another, he will most likely get my dying breath and a better version of the girl I once was.

  1. Faith
  2. Not married, engaged, and does not have another girlfriend. I have had those offers. It is a big bag of nope. I am not interested in being the tartlet on the side.
  3. Someone in my age dynamic—ten years up or ten years down. I am not interested in being someone’s sugar mamma or nursemaid.
  4. Someone who is active. While they do not have to run, they need to love doing active things. I run, scuba, snorkel, swim, hike, and I want to canoe, camp, SUP, and really anything outside, with another.
  5. Someone who makes me laugh.
  6. Someone whose eyes light up when I walk in the room.
  7. Someone who believes in family and who can handle being with my loud and fun family. This someone needs to have confidence in themselves and not want to compete with a memory.
  8. Someone who understands and supports the reason why I write and tell my story. This someone needs to know that it wouldn’t negate my feelings for him.
  9. Someone who is employed. Bonus if they wear a uniform or did wear a uniform. I kind of have a thing for a uniformed clean-cut man. Blush.
  10. Someone who is a little old fashioned in opening doors, pursuing, and wooing.
  11. Someone who makes me wants to settle down. No it doesn’t have to be CO—gasp—but someone who can make me believe that home is where we are.
  12. Good hygiene and nice teeth. I love the eyes and the smile. He must smile often.
  13. Someone who if he drinks it is not every day or a lot. This someone would understand why I have never had a drink. Drugs are non-negotiable.
  14. Someone who has eyes only for me and can’t keep his hands off of me. Listen, I get that I no longer have the body I had in my 20’s. I do not expect that of him either.
  15. Someone who loves traveling.
  16. Someone who would not be intimidated or jealous if I traveled alone to races or to my children’s. Yes, he would be invited to all of them, but if it were not his thing, he would be content to let me go knowing that I would come back to him.
  17. Someone who has a vocabulary outside of swear words.
  18. A POSITIVE person. I wake up cheerful and for the most part, I am a happy person.
  19. Someone who is not mean or who loses his temper very often. I am a conflict avoider and intense anger scares me. If a man yelled at me, I would probably be through with the relationship.
  20. Someone who would understand that there are still days that will hurt. The happy days such as the days that my children get married or graduate, or the anniversary days, will be bittersweet but in no way will it negate what is shared between the two of us.
  21. Someone who understands that it isn’t an competition and that he isn’t an option, but a choice.
  22. Someone who isn’t dirty or a slob (beyond the normal man stuff).
  23. Bonus points if he likes to play cards, likes dogs, CO, or trying new foods, traveling to new countries, etc.
  24. Someone who isn’t looking for a maid or a cook. I am no longer Susie Homemaker. While I can do those things, I would rather eat cleaner and save the cooking for the holidays.
  25. Someone with short hair—clean cut. Need I say more?
  26. Someone who can make a good cup of coffee—laugh.

As the other widow concluded, am I ready? Maybe. The list is long and I really have no expectation or thought that it can happen. I am not confident in dating sites and I am not looking for hook ups. I will live and in living, there is a small sliver of hope—just don’t tell my mother!

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