A Crush? At My Age?

It is incredibly strange and slightly daunting to have a crush on somebody. I do not think he knows that I am alive outside of work. Though I have certainly felt attraction and dated a few times since Phil was killed, I haven’t had a full on teenage “does he even see me” crush since I was…well, a teenager. My story with Phil is well known. He asked me out 19 times before I said yes and then when he finally decided to touch me the blazing bonfire that lasted 23 years says it all. Crush?   A crush implies a certain giddiness and malaise as you wait to be noticed. I am torn between two opposing forces.

I am torn because it is confusing on some levels because it is about more than thinking he is nice looking (he is). I am confused because April is Phil’s month. It is the month we met, the month of his birthday, and the month that he left me here on earth alone. Sometimes I think those 23 years should be enough and if I loved enough they would be enough. I am torn because I do want for more and I do want for a Chapter Two. If it were as easy as a physical relationship, there would be no confusion, but it isn’t.

First, it is nice to know that someone around my age appeals to me on many different levels. He makes me laugh which caught me by surprise, but it is more than that. He has depth and character, faith, and a story. Like me, he bears the scars that have made him stronger and more vulnerable. It is easier to say no and it is easier to shut down than it is to be vulnerable or transparent and that is where I get stuck.

I am no longer that teenager who shamelessly chases someone and I am not longer sure of myself on any level in terms of how to be a woman around a man that I would like to know better. I know how to be a friend and I know how to be the girl next door, but somewhere in the past 30 years everything changed. I am not comfortable in the pursuing role and I tend to want to shut down and sabotage out of lack of confidence, fear, and maybe a little guilt. While I have entertained the idea and even signed up for the online dating, I haven’t met anyone because it seems like many men my age wait for the woman to pursue. It is out of my character and it brings back my teenage years of being the ugly wallflower when I pursue. I simply can’t do it.

While this crush is unfounded and will most likely never be recognized, it is a marker of sorts. I am alive and I do have the capacity to feel. I want to laugh and experience life with someone and I do want that connection of friendship and the promise of a future with someone. I just do not know where to start and the confusion and discomfiting thoughts of being near him is new and slightly overwhelming in a roller coaster kind of feeling.

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