Wanting to Be Touched

Wanting To Be Touched

This post may be offensive to some, but I cannot be the only widow that struggles with missing touch. Something happened recently that caused be to consider a physical relationship again. The timing and situation were wrong, thus I didn’t really consider intimacy, yet in the weighing of the situation, I opened myself up to something I have considered dead right along with Phil. In large part, my sexuality, or to be more specific, the desire for intimacy and touch has withered in these past four years. If a person never thinks about it, intimacy isn’t missed. It is more than the physical act, however.

For me intimacy is about more than a need or want. I maintain a strong moral compass which means that the physical act has to be something more than a release. I miss the moments of laughter, sharing meals, and rolling into someone in the dead of night. I miss the sleight of hand on my lower back and being wrapped in a warm embrace when I feel a little beaten down by life. I miss someone looking at me like I am the center of his universe and that I surely am the most beautiful woman in the room.

I miss it, but I no longer know how to go about finding the deepening friendship that leads to touch. In fact, I feel somehow broken and like I should hide the widow card. It is as if my story becomes me and then there is that whole thought of trusting someone that much. It is agonizing to consider the first throes of intimacy at 53. I no longer have the body I had in my 20’s. It is marred my scars and carrying five children. I am self-conscious and unsure. That doubt coupled with my moral compass has led me to think that touch is done for me. I do not even remember the last time I tried to flirt almost 30 years ago. I do not know the rules of being single any more. So much has changed.

Way back to when I was last single, people didn’t have cell phones, the internet, or dating sites. In the early 80’s people did personal ads. I found those cheesy. Men made the first move and it was okay to say no. Online dating is never going to be an option for me because I am too visible and too old fashioned. Until recently, it didn’t matter. Now, I find my body betraying me at times and I find the soul yearning. It is a little confusing because I at times wonder that if I loved Phil enough, then shouldn’t what we had be enough? I don’t know what to do with how I feel, but it is amazing how one statement can cause a person to open a Pandora’s Box. I wonder if I wait long enough if the feelings will dissipate, but I have a feeling that I will eventually have to confront my fear, indecision, and perhaps raw hope that I can have the closeness of a best friend that is like a warm blanket in my life. Yes, it is about touch, but it is about so much more.


  1. […] Wanting to Be Touched. […]

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