Just Give Me a Reason

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jer 28:11).”  As I sink into a pity party of one this week, I have struggled with hope.  Hope is that spark that ignites the promise in all that is unseen.  It is the quiet faith in the time beyond where I am standing.  My hope lags and has been crushed this week.  In the darkness and in the cold, I am shivering, a little lost, a little afraid, and feeling the sprit quitting.  Mind you, quitting is not an option, but it takes the commitment to one’s faith at times.

I may not see anything beyond feeling alone and beyond the sense of being a loser that doesn’t have a friend close enough locally to help me with a hospital pick up, but that is not true.  It is the mind playing tricks on me.  In my fatigue and in the emotional fugue of Valentine’s Day and the panic over this normal task, I am reacting by thinking too far ahead or by reaching back to what I can no longer have.  Most of the time I do feel acute loneliness, but I do okay.  I keep my eyes focused on making me the person I am supposed to be trusting that if there is going to be a Chapter Two that it will not involve me compromising my faith or my values.  Most of the time, I can stay grounded in my running, but not always. 

I want a glimpse of my future.  It scares me to grow old alone.  I want to love and to be loved again.  That thought still takes my breath away, but I do have the realization that there is room in my heart and I thought there was the promise from God for the Chapter Two, but I get impatient.  I want signs on a continual basis-a reassurance that all will be well that I will have a future to hope in.  This is more than wanting a relationship because I do not want a relationship just to have a relationship, it is about connections and about a life that is fuller than work, school, and running.  It is about purpose and it is about laughter and joy.

As I caterwaul, I beg for a sign, but sometimes the sign is right in front of me.  As I cry for a reason to hope—a little bit being enough—a verse pops out that reminds me that my future is not written yet.  While I cannot see beyond where I am, there is tomorrow which by itself is a new day, a new page, a new opportunity to find a reason to hope.  Plans to give me hope and a future?  It may not be today or tomorrow, but the spark is flickering.  I wait and hope.

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