Happiness is a Choice

Many of you have heard me say that happiness is always a choice.  Sometimes it is the hard choice, but it is my choice to take that good long look in the mirror, pull up my big girl panties, and stretch beyond where I am standing and watching life go by. While I have made great strides in this, I am still guilty of the pity parties and the feeling of being broken.  I cower and stand paralyzed because …why?  What exactly am I afraid of? 

 

I have never been very social.  I dreaded walking into the teacher’s lounge because I never knew where to sit and I never wanted to interrupt anybody’s conversation, so I would do drive bys.  I like my colleagues, I just was nervous about being the rejected girl I was through most of high school. Did it bother me?  No, I had Phil to run home to, but now I long for connections and I long to matter some where.  Am I waiting for people?  No, this is where taking the big breath, leaping, and just acting has to be my choice. 

 

Yes, there is a sense of timing and reflection.  School will be done (both degrees) by 13 August.  If I do not like sitting alone, then I need to take a chance. Me. I have contemplated what I want that to look like.  In the months ahead, I  do have hopes about my work, where I want to live, and a network of friends that I am invested in.  Let’s be realistic.  If people have been friends long term, vacation together, and are so close that they share family events, then there probably isn’t room for me.  I believe I know where I fit, but I need to be smart on how I get there.  Looking in the mirror, recognizing my need, and action (school) is needed. 

 

Risk is part of this.  Rudyard Kipling has a  favorite poem of mine—If.  The poem is filled with lines that recognize the choices a person must make.  “If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too…””  Do I trust myself?  Do I trust my choices?  Do I want a change?  Change means choice to react and action to change.  While I did join an online dating site, I am letting my membership expire in April.  I haven’t dated from the online network  for many reasons.  I am not a pursuer and there are many other reasons that compel me not to date this way, but it was step one.  Step one was an epic fail, but as I sit here and look in the mirror, I realize that change is about risk that sometimes leads to failure and sometimes to the best things in life.

 

Do I still get stuck in the ruts left in the holes of my heart?  Yes, and no other time do I feel my pity party more than when I am sick, when I have had a hard day, weekends, and during times of great happiness.  The choice is mine.  Sit here and still be sitting here years from now, or leap from my safe platform and trust that I will be carried and I will find my way.  I am flying through the air, my hands are outstretched, and I am trusting that somewhere, somehow, that a hand will reach or the safety net will catch.

 

 

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